Hiring an au pair is a major decision that directly affects your family's daily life and your children's care. A solid reference check can reveal gaps between what a candidate claims and how they actually perform with children. Here's exactly what to ask former employers to make sure you're bringing the right person into your home.
Why Au Pair References Matter More Than Other Childcare Roles
Au pairs live in your home and often work 45+ hours weekly with unsupervised access to your children. Unlike daycare centers with staff turnover and institutional oversight, you're relying heavily on one person's judgment, reliability, and emotional stability. Previous employers—especially families who've had the au pair in their home—can spot red flags that interviews alone won't reveal.
Questions About Daily Childcare Responsibilities
Ask what specific ages and stages the au pair cared for. Find out if they've handled newborns, toddlers, school-age kids, or teenagers. If your family has a 3-year-old and they've only cared for teenagers, that's a skill gap worth discussing.
Dig into typical daily routines. Ask: "What did an average day look like? What meals did they prepare? How did they handle nap time or screen time?" Their answer should match what you need—if you want someone doing meal prep and homework help, generic "childcare" experience isn't enough.
Ask how they managed discipline and boundaries. "How did they handle tantrums or rule-breaking?" and "Did your kids listen to them?" are critical. You want someone who can set limits without yelling or harsh punishments, not a pushover who'll let your kids run wild.
Questions About Reliability and Responsibility
Find out their attendance record. Did they call in sick often? Miss scheduled outings? Arrive late? Au pairs who work irregular hours or no-show affect your ability to work or keep commitments.
Ask about their communication style. "Did they update you regularly about the kids' day? How did they report problems?" A good au pair texts you about bumps, illnesses, or behavioral concerns. A poor one creates situations you only find out about later.
Question how they handled emergencies. "Did they ever deal with a child's injury, fever, or accident? How did they respond?" Their answer tells you whether they stay calm, take initiative, and know when to call you versus handle it independently.
Questions About Cultural Fit and Attitudes
Ask about their attitudes toward your parenting style. "Did they respect your rules about screen time, nutrition, discipline?" If a reference says the au pair pushed back on house rules or did things their own way, that's a compatibility issue.
Find out how they spent downtime. "Were they friendly with your family? Did they follow house guidelines during off-hours?" Some families want au pairs who join family dinners; others prefer more separation. Get clarity on whether the candidate matches your household culture.
Ask if they'd hire them again. This simple question often reveals hesitation or hidden concerns that polite people won't volunteer upfront. A genuine "yes, absolutely" is different from "probably, but..."
Questions Specific to Au Pair Program Requirements
- Did they complete required driving safely with the children?
- Were they punctual for agreed-upon language lessons or cultural activities?
- Did they respect quiet hours and household rules about guest policies?
- How did they handle homesickness or adjustment issues?
- Did they engage appropriately with extended family or babysitting requests?
Red Flags to Listen For
If a reference hesitates, gives vague answers, or mentions issues with honesty, attitude, or boundary-setting, pause the hiring process. References often soften criticism to be "nice," so read between the lines when they say things like "she meant well" or "there were some challenges adjusting."
How to Contact References Effectively
Contact at least two previous host families directly by phone—email responses tend to be cautious. Ask if they'd recommend the candidate, and listen to their tone. Offer a specific scenario ("Our kids are 5 and 8, and we work full-time") to get relevant feedback rather than generic praise.
If you're comparing multiple au pair candidates, platforms like Mercoly let you gather and organize background details, references, and qualifications in one place, making it easier to spot patterns across candidates.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Should I contact references the au pair didn't list? Yes. Ask your agency or the candidate if they can connect you with a family they worked for that wasn't a reference—unvetted employers often give more honest feedback than those expecting to be asked.
Q: How long should I wait for an au pair reference to respond? Follow up after three days. If they don't respond within a week, treat that as a mild red flag—employers who don't respond may be avoiding conflict or may not have been genuinely impressed.
Q: What if the au pair hasn't worked in my country before? Ask for references from their home country and have them translated if needed. Also verify their visa/work eligibility and ask directly about any legal issues or previous visa problems.
Take time with reference calls—one 15-minute conversation can prevent months of stress in your home.